Dani Martin

Can someone edit my first chapter to my story?

Now i know it is really bad but if some one could help me with it would be great. The twins looked out the frosted glass window as millions of rain drops fell to the ground. They waited there all night but no one came. No one came to tuck them in at night and say I love or read them a story that ends with happily ever after. 8 years Later: "Ash and jade wake up or your going to be late for school." A old woman yelled at them. "Fine!!" ash said as she got out of bed. Ash went to the bathroom and looked in mirror. Her crayon red hair was a mess and she had black eyeliner smeared around her gray eyes. "What time did you get in last night?" Ash jumped of voice of her twin. "Its only me." Jade said now looking at her self in the mirror. Jades long black hair was straight as needles and her gray eyes glowed like moons. "Don't scare me like that." Ash was now combing her hair. "Sorry next time I'll bag some pots and pans before I walk in our bathroom." Jade said sarcastically. The old woman who woke them up walked in the bath room. Her long silver hair was in a bun and she had a dress on with purple flowers on it. "Girls your going to be late lets go!" The old woman said to them. "Yes grams." Ash said back and jade stuck her tongue out at grams. They got in there school uniforms on and went to the kitchen. The kitchen was small but bright, The walls were yellow and the kitchen cupboards where white. Ash grabbed a banana and the car keys off the kitchen counter. Jade grabbed the keys from ash, "I don't think so I'm driving this time!" Jade said it with such force ash just glared at her. "Don't look at me like that, I can't afford another ticket." Jade walked out the of the kitchen with ash at her heels. They walked in to the family room and froze. Grams was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Her Blood. Ash screamed. Then Two boys walk in the ajar door. Ash screams again. Shock ran across there faces when ash screamed then they looked at the body on the floor. But before they could say anything Ash demanded from them, "Why? What did she ever do to you?" "We didn't." One of the boys said he was about sixteen and had dirty blonde hair that was curly and gold eyes. "Yeah you've got it all wrong." The other boy said. He was about 17, He had hair like raven feathers and eyes like green emeralds. Something hit Ash and fell to the floor. "What the...?" ash picked it up. It was a small box and it was ticking. The boy with gold hair grabbed the box and threw it in the hall way. BOOM!!! The explosion went everywhere in the small apartment building. When ash opened her eyes she didn't no what to say. Everywhere in the apartment was burned except where they were standing. The boy with raven feather hair had his hands up like he was creating a shield. Had he? "What just happened and who are you guys?" Jade asked. "It looks like a bomb and I am Dani Martin and this( he waved a hand to the boy with raven black hair )is Blake Night." Dani said. "What are you doing here?" Ash asked them. "We came here for you guys." Blake said moving closer to Jade. "What do you want with us?" Jade gave Blake one of her deadly glares. He didn't seem to notice. "We need your help." Dani said. "With what?" Jade didn't look away from blacks eyes. "We can't say here your going to have to come with us." Blake said to ash and jade but only looked at jade. "And what if we don't want to?" Jade said moving closer to Blake. "Who said you had a say in it?" Blake said as he blow purple powder in Ash's and Jades face. Then everything went black....

Public Comments

1. i would say maybe make some more feelings to the story think of it when you read a book maybe than you could make a good chapter. i would also make it longer because it seems it would only take about 2-3 pages
2. Hope you like this :) The somber twins looked out the frosted glass window as millions of shining rain drops fell to the ground, coming from a sky of dark ominous clouds. They waited, stationed in that same place all night long, expecting a figure to break through the heavy sheets of water and comfort them, but no one came. No one came to tuck them in at night, and say I love you sweetheart, I truly do. No one came to read them a story that ended with the wonderful, happily ever after they always craved for, but never could get... 8 years later: "Ash! Jade! Wake up or your going to be late for school." A old woman yelled to the sleeping adolescents who rest lay, a near coma, in their beds. "Fine!" Ash said as she got out of bed. Ash went to the bathroom and looked in mirror. Her crayon red hair was a mess and she had black eyeliner smeared around her gray eyes. "What time did you get in last night?" Ash jumped at voice of her sister. "Its only me." Jade said now looking at her self in the mirror. Jade's long black hair was as straight as long needles and her gray eyes glowed like moons. "Don't scare me like that." Ash was now combing her hair. "Sorry, next time I'll bang some pots and pans before I walk in our bathroom." Jade retorts in playful sarcasm. The old woman, their grandmother, walked in the bathroom. Her long silver hair was in a bun, her purple floral dress hanging from/hugging her aged body. "Girls your going to be late. Lets go!" The old woman said to them. "Yes Grams." Ash said back and Jade stuck her tongue out at Grams. They dressed themselves in their school uniforms and went into the kitchen. The kitchen was small but bright, the walls were yellow and the kitchen cupboards where white. Ash grabbed a banana and the car keys off the kitchen counter. Jade grabbed the keys from Ash. "I don't think so. I'm driving this time!" Jade said such determination, Ash was taken aback. Jade purses her lips. "Don't look at me like that, I can't afford another ticket." Jade walked out the of the kitchen with Ash at her heels. They walked in to the family room and freeze. Grams was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Ash screams. Two strangers walk into the door which, for some unknown reason, was ajar. Ash screams again. Shock etches itself across their faces when Ash screams. Then, they quickly look at the body on the floor. But before they could say anything Ash demanded from them, "Why? What did she ever do to you?" "We didn't - " One of the boys said. He looked about sixteen and had dirty blonde hair that was curly and gold eyes. "Yeah you've got it all wrong." The other boy said. He looked maybe 17. He had hair like raven feathers and eyes like green emeralds. Something hita Ash in the head/stomach/leg/etc. and falls to the floor. "What the...?" Ash picked it up. It was a small box and it was ticking. The boy with gold hair grabbed the box and threw it in the hall way. BOOM!!! The explosion went everywhere in the small apartment building. When Ash opened her eyes she didn't no what to say. Everywhere in the apartment was burned, except where they were standing. The boy with raven feather hair had his hands up like he was creating a shield. Had he? "What just happened and who are you guys?" Jade asked. "It looks like a bomb and I am Dani Martin and this( he waved a hand to the boy with raven black hair )is Blake Night." Dani said. "What are you doing here?" Ash asked them. "We came here for you guys." Blake said moving closer to Jade. "What do you want with us?" Jade gave Blake one of her deadly glares. He didn't seem to notice. "We need your help." Dani said. "With what?" Jade didn't look away from blacks eyes. "We can't say here your going to have to come with us." Blake said to ash and jade but only looked at jade. "And what if we don't want to?" Jade said moving closer to Blake. "Who said you had a say in it?" Blake said as he blow purple powder in Ash's and Jades face. Then everything went black.... Er...I kind of got lost after they found Grams dead. It was pretty good before that though. But I'm guessing these twins are magical or special or something. Is that why they have different hair and eye colors? Um.. It wasn't too bad to fix up. Just things like, you should have used 'their' here instead of 'there' and spelling errors. In a few places you didn't describe things well enough, like the beginning paragraph, which needed a lot of work to really picture. Other than that it was things like missing commas and no periods where there should have been. So...I hope that helps. I couldn't resist editing it though. I love editing. I'm a writer as of now but I also want to edit. Good luck! p.s. I'm only 13, so it may not be that good. but :) anways